The WISIWYG Blog

I was the assigned speaker for our company's morning meeting last Thursday. So the night before that, I was busy searching through my email inbox looking for some forwarded mail that may be worth sharing. Sadly, I discovered that most of the messages in my yahoo!mail inbox has already been shared on previous meetings.

30 minutes through my hopeless search, however, an idea popped into my mind, thanks to my noisy housemates. While searching for a topic on the web, I overheard them arguing about something, and none of them would want to lose over the other. So at that very minute, I decided that my topic would be something about winning in an argument.

While searching for the content of my speech, I found this crazy advice from one site. I found it funny, so while it doesn't seem to be too much of a help on serious arguments, I still shared it as my speech because, well, I found it worth sharing.

So here is the copy of the speech I delivered last Thursday entitled "How to Win an Argument."

I argue very well. Ask any one of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic against any opponent. People know this and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:

Drink Liquor

Suppose you're at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date; but if you drink several large martinis (or a case of Black Ice), you'll discover you have strong views about the Peruvian economy. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.

Make Things Up

Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that you are underpaid and you're damned if you're going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. Don't say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid." Say: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452. per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level."

Note: Always make up an exact figure. If the opponent asks you where you got your information, make that up too. Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford Commission published May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say, "You left your soiled underwear in my bathroom?"

Use Meaningless but Weighty-Sounding Words and Phrases

Memorize this list:

• Let me put it this way
• In terms of
• Vis-a-vis
• Per se
• Qua
• So to speak

Q.E.D., e.g., and i.e. These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you do not."

Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say: "Peruvians would like to order more appetizers more often, but they don't have enough money."

You never win arguments talking like that. But you will win if you say: "Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D."

Only a fool would challenge that statement.

Use Snappy and Irrelevant Comebacks

You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are:

• "You're begging the question."
• "You're being defensive."
• "Don't compare apples and oranges."
• "What are your parameters?"

This last one is especially valuable. Nobody, other than mathematicians, has the vaguest idea what parameters means.

Here's how to use your comebacks:

You say, "As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873..."
Your opponent says, "Lincoln died in 1865."
You say, "You're being defensive."

Compare Your Opponent to Adolf Hitler

This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say: "That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say" or "You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler."

So that's it. You know how to out-argue anybody. But do not try to pull any of this on people who generally carry weapons.

Note: The content of the speech is not original. All of it were taken from the article posted on this site: http://www.transdimnav.com/argument.shtml

Image Credit: newsday.com